Apologies To Irvine Welsh

In an effort to get through my period of writers block, I'm going to try to break it by, well, writing. I'm sure it could be written more eloquently another time but what do I care, it's not like this blog makes me money. I don't make you read it.

Anyway this post may well become a series, if I get the inspiration....

It's Shite Being Scottish

It's shite being Scottish, we’re the lowest of the low, the scum of the fucking earth. We’re instantly recognisable wherever we are. It's not because of the jimmy hats. Or even the linguistic adventure that your ears suffer when we talk at a hundred miles an hour in an accent and dialect that you can’t comprehend.

You can be on a beach in Majorca surrounded by multiple nationalities and still you’ll recognise the Scots who just arrived fresh from the airport. It won’t be the blue and white face paint or the Rangers and Celtic tops that will give them away. It will be the Scottish complexion. We aren’t a dark skinned race, we aren’t even white skinned. We are pale fucking blue skinned.

After a couple of hours of sunshine that pale blue skin will go through a change. While everyone else on the beach will be developing a tan if they hadn't already got one before they arrived, the Scots on the beach will develop a milk bottle white complexion.

Few Scots’ ever develop a tan, a proper tan like the rest of the world’s population seems to manage with ease. We go from pale blue, to milk bottle white, to, on those rare days of summer when the sun is visible all day and we descend on Kelvingrove Park like locusts lying on every blade of grass, to lobster red. That’s right pale fucking blue to lobster fucking red. The day after the sun shone all day long, Scots men everywhere will be out, wandering the streets of Glasgow, Edinburgh, Stirling, or wherever, bare chested, as if proud of the fact they are no longer pale fucking blue but lobster red.

And the Scots’ who use the tanning salons, and there are a lot of them about. They’re worse. They aren’t pale blue. They aren’t milk bottle white. They aren’t even like lobsters. They’re Orange! They look like they’ve drank too many litres of Irn Bru.

Disclaimer: This post was written in jest, it was not meant to be taken seriously, no Scots should be offended by the Its Shite Being Scottish tag, if you were offended you need to get a life.

Go on, join in the fun, make your own Its Shite Being (insert your nationality here) post.