Saturday, 18 August 2007

Apologies To Irvine Welsh

In an effort to get through my period of writers block, I'm going to try to break it by, well, writing. I'm sure it could be written more eloquently another time but what do I care, it's not like this blog makes me money. I don't make you read it.

Anyway this post may well become a series, if I get the inspiration....

It's Shite Being Scottish

It's shite being Scottish, we’re the lowest of the low, the scum of the fucking earth. We’re instantly recognisable wherever we are. It's not because of the jimmy hats. Or even the linguistic adventure that your ears suffer when we talk at a hundred miles an hour in an accent and dialect that you can’t comprehend.

You can be on a beach in Majorca surrounded by multiple nationalities and still you’ll recognise the Scots who just arrived fresh from the airport. It won’t be the blue and white face paint or the Rangers and Celtic tops that will give them away. It will be the Scottish complexion. We aren’t a dark skinned race, we aren’t even white skinned. We are pale fucking blue skinned.

After a couple of hours of sunshine that pale blue skin will go through a change. While everyone else on the beach will be developing a tan if they hadn't already got one before they arrived, the Scots on the beach will develop a milk bottle white complexion.

Few Scots’ ever develop a tan, a proper tan like the rest of the world’s population seems to manage with ease. We go from pale blue, to milk bottle white, to, on those rare days of summer when the sun is visible all day and we descend on Kelvingrove Park like locusts lying on every blade of grass, to lobster red. That’s right pale fucking blue to lobster fucking red. The day after the sun shone all day long, Scots men everywhere will be out, wandering the streets of Glasgow, Edinburgh, Stirling, or wherever, bare chested, as if proud of the fact they are no longer pale fucking blue but lobster red.

And the Scots’ who use the tanning salons, and there are a lot of them about. They’re worse. They aren’t pale blue. They aren’t milk bottle white. They aren’t even like lobsters. They’re Orange! They look like they’ve drank too many litres of Irn Bru.

Disclaimer: This post was written in jest, it was not meant to be taken seriously, no Scots should be offended by the Its Shite Being Scottish tag, if you were offended you need to get a life.

Go on, join in the fun, make your own Its Shite Being (insert your nationality here) post.

12 comments:

Misssy M said...

I want to take up the challenge, but since being a Scot has been done, Can I do, "It's Shite Being a Woman"?

Scotsman said...

Sounds good...improvise away

Just a Girl said...

I miss out on being blue but I do the white really, really well. I was the saddo in the t-shirt as a child because I'd burn otherwise.

But it's not shite being Canadian....

Scotsman said...

You disappoint me, I was looking forward to your It's Shite Being Canadian post. I could think of a number of reasons myself - Celine Dion, William Shatner and having to drive across borders just to get clothes/shoes in your size - all spring to mind.

Lucy said...

Not Scottish, but I guess I can sympathize with wanting to change one's native culture.

Have you ever considered standup comedy? I'm a comedienne and this makes great fodder for a routine. Looks like you got a fire in your belly!

Nice coming across your blog!

Just a Girl said...

Celine is french and that's just a whole different thing. Good ol' Willy's not that bad! Come on!

The other stuff has to do with me. So I guess I could write how it's shite to be me. Now that would be even cheerier than I normally am :P

Scotsman said...

Standup comedy. I think I might die a thousand deaths in one night. I can make people laugh but in a relaxed atmosphere. I think as soon as there was an expectation to be entertained and I had to do it from a raised platform I would struggle. I could prepare an act until the cows came home but I'd forget it in an instant as soon as my feet hit the boards. Besides all the spontaneity would vanish but on the upside I would enjoy the banter with the hecklers, just maybe a little bit too much.
That said I imagine it would be great to get paid to make people laugh. I admire those that can do it. Thanks for dropping by Lucy, if you ever have a show in Edinburgh let me know.

William Shatner isn't that bad? Come on, didn't he present a really tacky game show last year (Can't remember its name) in the US.

Just a Girl said...

I've ignored him since he was Captain Kirk.

Scotsman said...

Even still, I do believe there is a Shite Being Canadian post desperate to escape from your keyboard.

Just a Girl said...

I'll give it a think...

Scotsman said...

I knew I could weaken your resolve...

Just takes a bit of time that's all.

japanesewhispers said...

Funny I was just explaining that to some Japanese people the other day that our natural skin colour is blue. Maybe that's where the flag comes from!