I got back just in time to hear
Ah crap, I've been spotted.
"What do you look for before you ask a girl out?"
Great, I hate these questions.
"What do you mean?"
"You know, do you like blondes or brunettes, short or tall girls, what do you prefer?"
"I don't know, I don't really have a list of conditions."
At this moment I heard an audible gasp in the corner of the room like it was a crime not to have a predefined list of preferences on a sheet of paper somewhere that had to be ticked off before a relationship could even be considered.
"Well how do you know who to go out with then?"
"I don't, but then I don't go into the supermarket only looking for pasta and if the store has no pasta walk straight back out again. I don't always know what I want when I go shopping but I've not starved yet." I felt sure at this point that the conversation might take a change in direction but alas not quite yet.
"You must know what you want and what you like...."
"Not really. I either like someone or I don't but I don't set conditions, I suppose I've never been out with a black girl or an asian girl but its not because I deliberately rule them out. I don't know many black girls, not many live near me. I did see an attractive Chinese girl the other day but I didn't ask her out, not because she was Chinese but because I don't tend to chat up women when they are busy refueling their car. Perhaps thats me being discriminatory, maybe I'm missing an opportunity, I'm sure a lot of women who refuel their cars are really nice women and some of them might even be single. I’ve never been one for making lists of the do’s and don’ts, yes’s and no’s when looking at the opposite sex. I don’t believe in making lists of requirements, nor do I believe in scoring people off as potential partners because of hair colour, height, physical features or religion. I am very much of the equal opportunities kind of guy mindset. After all I’m no relationship expert I don’t really know who is going to be that perfect woman for me until I meet her. I’m not the perfect man myself so who am I to make a list and rate people accordingly? I've been out with two Scot's, a Kiwi and an Italian, I might have went out with other nationalities if the opportunity arose but it didn't. It's true all my ex's were brunettes or redheaded but I'm not totally against going out with a blonde, its just Michelle Pfeiffer has never phoned. Maybe she doesn't have my number or maybe I just don't tick all the right boxes for her. It's a shame, but I'll survive."
And with that the conversation was changed to how cold it was outside. There is a god!
However during a quiet moment when I brain seemed to have nothing better to do I started thinking maybe I didn't take the conversation serious enough. Maybe I do have a list of of wants, do's and don'ts. Maybe it would be easier to find that perfect person for me if I too had a list, so I went about making my list. It's not a big list but its a start, I might add more later or I might not. But here's what I've got so far....
She Must Know How To Wipe Her Own Arse - If I ever have to wash skid marks out of anyone's panties, they should belong to a child, not an adult. Yes, I can do washing, I’m a modern man, I can even separate the whites from the coloured clothing. Even if my chosen partner insists in doing the washing (I wouldn’t argue with her if she did, there is enough of a lazy caveman in me not to give a damn about doing the washing for myself and quite frankly I could think of more important things to argue about), there will be occasions where I get particularly amorous and try and remove her panties during a spontaneous moment of uncontrolled passion. Discovering that she is unable to manage the simple act of wiping her own bum might lead to a sudden change of heart during a lust filled moment.
On That Note She Must Have Good Hygiene – She must shower or bathe at least once a day. No dodgy body odour. Must brush her teeth at least twice a day. She must never need to be asked to go do this. Oh and no strange fishy smells. I might sound picky but it's a preference. I don't really like to say things like "Has anyone ever told you that you stink!" I probably wouldn't say that to anyone because I don't really like to hurt people but unfortunately I do have a rather expressive face at times. I can't always control it, it has a habit of giving away what I'm thinking. Especially during awkward moments like that.
She Must Not Be A Man Hater – If she hates men, I ain’t going to change her nor will I want to. She has to like men. Yet there is a balance to this, she can’t like them so much that I have to worry about her infidelity. Oh and no men beaters need apply, I don’t hit women, but neither am I going to stick around and take a beating. I will just walk away.
I’m Not A DIY Project – By that I mean I don’t expect her to look on me as someone with potential if only I can be shaped in the right way. I am not a piece of wet clay ready to be molded. I am what I am, and on top of that I can be a stubborn little bastard. I am bendable, but only if I want to be, try and change me wholesale though and I will resist.
Communication – She must accept that I am a guy. I am just a simple creature, I don’t understand subtlety. My communication skills are limited yet I still find it important to use what little I have in the most efficient manner. For example if I say ‘you look fine’, I mean fine as you would use in the term a fine wine. Fine does not mean you look ok, but could look better. If that’s what I meant to say that’s what I would have said. So saying something like ‘You are a fine figure of a woman Mrs. Macgregor’ would be a compliment and should be taken as such.
My communication skills are largely direct and blunt, she should realize that really I need to be talked to in a similar manner. Hinting for 3 days that she wants me to take her shopping on Saturday when the football (soccer) is on, won’t really cut it. I just don’t have the ability to hear hints. However telling me direct that we are going shopping on Saturday might be heard. Sure I will be pissed off for 90 minutes, but on occasions that is better than the alternative, ie the 5 day silent treatment wondering what the hell I did wrong now.