....Push Me Over A Chair And Spank Me.
Damn, did I really just type that?
Anyway moving on, I do have a good excuse for not updating this blog or reading and commenting on others and that is I've only been home 2 days over the past month with this being the second day.
A lot has happened in the past month and quite frankly I don't have the time to address it all so instead I'll just give you a teaser of my oh-so-exciting life by sharing with you just a couple of the more shameful and embarrassing incidents.
First of all let me address the shameful, I, whom you know as Scotsman, has discovered in the last few weeks that I HATE the music of the Icelandic band Sigur Ros. That's hate with a capital H A T E. Up until now I've prided myself on the fact that I haven't really hated anything or anyone. Sure there were moments in my life that I disliked someone with an intense passion but most of the time I'm an easy going kind of guy and so I hadn't really reached a stage where hate was part of my emotional make up. Sadly that is no longer true, in these times of hate and pain I must confess that I too am a hater. The confusing thing is I used to quite like Sigur Ros, granted I did have to be in a certain mood to feel the urge to play it but nonetheless it was music that I used to enjoy. That was until I was forced to live and work with someone who thought that their music was the best thing since sliced bread, and would play the music 20 hours a day every day for 8 (very long) weeks. I even tried going to sleep early to escape the noise, to no avail - you can't escape music when it played as loud as the volume dial will go. The hating of the music got to such extremes over the past few weeks that at my last count I had thought of 37 different ways of destroying the Sigur Ros cd. In truth if I was logical human being I would not have hated the band but the person who inconsiderately selfishly played the band but with hate being an ugly and irrational emotion, its easier to hate when you neither know or understand what you are hating, both of which apply to Sigur Ros. Even when I did like Sigur Ros I couldn't say I understood what they were about.
Now for the embarrassing, for the past three weeks I've been having problems with my derrière, namely its been farting - alot. Now we all release gas from time to time (even those who don't admit to it) but lately my backside seems determined to destroy the ozone layer all on its own. Normally I would admit to my farts and maybe even apologise for them but for the past few weeks the farting has been so frequent and the stench so powerful that I haven't wanted to admit to such behaviour. Luckily for me the farting has been silent and I have been able to walk away from the fart before anyone I was working with at the time was able to put two and two together and point the fingers of blame in my direction. Shameful I know, but don't tell me you wouldn't have done the same.
Anyway after over 3 weeks of seemingly uncontrollable farting I decided I needed to see someone about it so I broke the habit of a lifetime and went to see a doctor, where I heard in an Irish accent "Let me break it to you, your shit's fucked up."
My initial reaction 'My shit's fucked up?', 'Did he just say that?', 'Surely he didn't just say that', 'What happened to the vocabulary and bedside manner of doctors?'
When he then made noises about examining my colon, if after reducing my intake of fruit and vegetables in the next few weeks didn't make any difference to my excessive flatulence, I decided it might well be another while before I set foot in a doctors practice again. What can I say I feel too young to be prodded and poked and well it can only be a matter of time before everything returns to normal, I hope.
Anyway I'm done now, I've confessed my sins - I'm a hater and a serial farter, its time for me to sign out. A week from now I should be back home for good which should mean no more of me being subjected to Sigur Ros and hopefully the flatulence will have ended by then too but even if it hasn't I should at least become a semi regular blog once again.