Sunday, 20 August 2006

Understanding The Thinking Of The Male Species

Do Men Think About Sex Every Waking Hour?

How do I answer this?

Do the plants and animals that live in the world’s driest desert miss the rain? Am I easily bought with a free meal? Does George W. Bush have the mannerisms of a chimpanzee? By now you should have your answer. However if you were struggling to answer those questions let me spell it out for you…Yes men do think about sex all the time, whether awake or not. However the reason why that should be is not as simple as the entire male species being dirty horny little bastards with a desperate desire to spend 24 hours of every day servicing a super hot female that looks suspiciously like a young Michelle Pfeiffer. That might only be me, but nevermind that the reason men think like this goes back to the day when woolly mammoths ruled the world and small nomadic groups of humans had to hunt the woolly mammoths for meat and clothing. Back then it was no point in having 2.4 children, to survive you needed big family groups to hunt down one woolly mammoth. It was the only way to survive. Darwin said it best when he coined the phrase ‘survival of the fittest’. As a result thinking constantly about sex was inbred in males.

Nowadays men have been left with this urge to put their penis in any orifice a woman will allow. (I come up with the nicest of lines, don’t I?) Of course only the fittest ie the good looking, the richest or the strongest get to do so on a regular basis the rest just have to think about it, go to the pub, drink more alcohol than they really should and show signs of desperation with phrases like ‘Get your coat, you’ve pulled’ or if they are really, really drunk and caveman has come to the fore ‘You, Me, have sex in alley round back’.

The flow of this desperation comes in cycles, some days you will be spared witnessing any such behaviour then there will be days like today where the sun is shining and the summer seems to be here forever and all hell breaks lose. It was maybe a day like today that Axl Rose first sang the immortal line ‘Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty’. The reason that that song is so popular is because every man has experienced that moment. It doesn’t matter the name of the town or city the entire (heterosexual) male species has lived that moment. The moment that summer has arrived when just about every women in the vicinity of man seems to be wearing short skirts and tight t-shirts with push-up bras. That moment on Saturday when you are in the city and waiting for the underground train when a super hot female that looks suspiciously like a young Michelle Pfeiffer wearing a short skirt, tight t-shirt and push up bra runs down the steps to catch the train. That moment when she is all breathless, cleavage moving up and down with each breath, a little trickle of sweat running down her face, and her lips plush red from the blood in her head, yes those moments we are thinking about sex. We might be respectful about it, we might not stare, we might not make her feel violated but at the same time you can be sure we will be happy when she sits next to us. Yes we might let a little smile form on our lips at that moment, we may let thoughts drift off to somewhere that isn’t politically correct in this day and age but you have to realise its not entirely his fault, it goes back to the time when woolly mammoths roamed the earth and that was a long time ago.

Is it any wonder that I am single, some people just won't see the intended humour in this post. Ah well.


ill man said...

Thanks for the link Scotsman.

I have to admit, i'm a sucker for a nicely turned ankle or two myself.

JaG said...

You guys are terrible, all the same, such pigs, how could you etc. etc. etc.

Thoughts of sex...who does that? Geez.