Give Me My Missing Sensibilities!

I'm generally one of those people who works better when working on a few things at one time than when I have to concentrate on just one task at a time. I don't know why that is. Believe me I would much rather be the type of person who was able to start one task, see it through to completion before moving on to the next thing. Why I don't work like that I don't know. I imagine life would be much less stressful and I could probably be lazier too and have more leisure time. Sadly I wasn't designed that way.

I'm not even designed that way when it comes to my free time. It's not been unknown for me to have 4 books on the go. That's easy though compared to what I've got myself into now.

Somehow I found myself writing a script. This despite the fact that I don't have any real confidence in my writing abilities or have any clue on how to go about writing a script - the idea was there it had to be got out. I tried to ignore it, but the fucker wouldn't leave me alone. No sooner had I started the writing malarkey, when another totally separate idea started to make its presence felt. Tried ignoring that one too, with as much success as before. So somehow in a matter of months to having never dreamt of writing scripts to attempting to write not one but two. I think I might have gone cuckoo.

It's one thing reading 4 books at once - after all someone did once teach me how to read. no-one has ever really sat me down and taught me how to write a script - I barely passed my English Higher at my second attempt - I have no clue what the hell I'm doing!

Luckily though I have found a partner for one of the scripts who has some sort of experience in this sort of thing - which is helpful. It would be much more helpful if they weren't from LA then I could get them involved in the second script. The second script which is actually the first (but lets not make this any more confusing than it has to be), has many international characters in it but the whole thing has a Scottish undercurrent to it so there is a lot of Scots dialogue to a) give it a sense of place and b) just because its funny. Trying to explain that side of things to someone from LA with minimal experience of living in Scotland I probably would bite of more than I could chew. I don't think I understand it myself.

I seriously suspect I am going out of my mind taking all this on. And what's worse I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I am running out of things to blog about. I had planned on writing a very funny golf post until I stole it and put it aside for one of the scripts. A witnessed cafe moment promptly went the same way, as did a taxi story. Anything with potential gets put aside in the off chance it can be used for something that is probably not going to make me any money for years, if at all. The average ideas I'm left with I just can't be bothered writing. Physically I'm exhausted from the day job, mentally I'm exhausted from hitting my head against a wall of polyfiller - sometimes I just wish I could do one thing at a time!

I'm hungry - someone make me some banana pancakes.

No Time To Write...

...a proper post. Lately I've had my best blogging ideas whilst nowhere near a computer and by the time I get home I either can't be bothered or just plain forget.

So instead of writing a post pf my own I have a question for you, yeah YOU, and I want you to answer truthfully and don't think I won't come running after you if you read without answering - you don't know me well enough to know that I'm not crazy enough to do it.

Here's your question, well strictly speaking its two, but they are related.....

What's the one thing you've always wanted to do during your lifetime? And when are you going to do it?

The Finger

Someone showed me the finger today. In Glasgow! Of all places!

Imagine my surprise.

There was a man, he tripped, I laughed, he turned round and up went his middle finger. Like it was my fault he was a clumsy eejit.

Everyone else saw the crack in the pavement and walked over it. The man with the white stick tapped it and walked around it. OK I'll come clean there was no blind man but you get my point. Everyone else saw the danger, took steps to avoid it but not this joker. He trips, turns round and goes FUCK YOU, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE LAUGHING AT!

What happened to humour? People used to see the funny side when they tripped. When I was a a kid if you tripped, you laughed at yourself. You'd replay the incident, and laugh while everybody else laughed. Now people can't take a joke any more. Its no more 'look at me', now its 'how dare you laugh at me, look at my finger!'

Truth is at first I felt bad for laughing. It wasn't like a belly laugh, it was more an uncomfortable snigger that I did try to hold in. After seeing the finger though I was glad I laughed at the tosser.

But it struck me afterwards, who invented the finger? How come we know who invented the television but we don't know the name of the person who first used their middle digit to show their displeasure. And how come it took off? Did they try other things first? Was it like a trial and error approach to find some that that was universally approved by the masses?

And while we are it - who invented the kiss? Were they in any way related to the person who saw an egg come out of a hen's bum and thought I'm going to eat one of those? How come we don't know these peoples names? Surely these people have had much more influence on human progress than the first people to climb Everest or reach the South Pole......

A post for the Idiots (theres a lot of them about you know)

You dropped out of school because you’re smarter than everybody

I have 8 words for you “I’ll have a diet coke with that, thanks”

You ignore all the warnings, you light up a cigarette

Someday you’ll talk with a machine through your throat

Complain the sticks are killing you,

Like the packets from where they came didn’t tell you

You moan about the price of petrol and war in Iraq

But you gave Blair not just five but ten years

He didn’t even need to tell you jack, a smile was all it took

You wake up one day and you don’t have the skills

To get a better job so you’re stuck on the grill

You’re wondering why Pavel took your job

But you forget to see you are a lazy assed numpty

And you’re asking yourself 'how could this happen to me?'

Maybe because he works harder than you and he’s got a degree?

In a couple of months he’ll be speaking better English than you too

There’s no need to worry though, not when you can rely on welfare

You know that thing that entices Johnny Foreigner to come here

And I thought they came here to better themselves

Speaking of idiots, why are so many people surprised at the continuing decline of Britney Spears. This is the woman who married Kevin Fedex (or whatever his name is), hardly a ringing endorsement of her sense of judgement was it? Who knew Hit me Baby One More Time had a premonitory message within it…

All The Evidence You Need To Know Someone Is Missing The Willpower Gene

"Yeah I tried to quit for years" - yet here I am smoking a cigarette out a hole in my throat.


Was it wrong of me to think ... How much nicarette gum does it take to fill that hole?