Ooh! Drip Of Nutella!

Regular viewers of Family Guy will be familiar with the sketch where the James Woods character is distracted from the idea of getting revenge on Peter Griffen by a piece of candy, but surely no one would be stupid enough to fall into such an obvious trap thats only going to lead to harm to self?

That's where I can step up to the plate. (hmmm baseball term, I'm becoming more American all the time)

I was feeling a little peckish just a short time ago, so I decided that maybe it was time to make myself a piece of bread and nutella.

As I was spreading the nutella on the bread I spotted a dribble of nutella on my thumb. Well I couldn't let some nutella go to waste - this is after all the same person who would stick is finger in the jar to scrape every last bit hazlenutty goodness before throwing a jar in the bin.

It was only as my finger was approaching my tongue that I realised something wasn't quite right - by which time momentum could not be reversed.

Finger makes contact with a wet tongue and pain oozes out. Sonofabitch!

Somehow as I glanced at my finger and thought I saw nutella I had somehow managed in the same instant to forget I had cut my finger yesterday making chips (fries), and that brown looking splodge was just old blood under the surface of an open wound.

Sometimes I wonder how the hell I got to be part of a Mormon Latino family. Moments like these happen when I am struggling to understand what they are saying.

It's liitle use to have conversations with me in Spanish as I may as well be partially deaf. I try to tune to my ear to conversations around me but try as I might I cannot hear much of what my adopted family say to me. The mere fragments of communication I can establish is pretty much built up of nods and gestures, and the reading of lips for those few words that I have been able to pick up on in my two years here. Words that by themselves may something but when put together mean very little because they very rarely come up in conversation all at once.  In fact in my experience, they don't.


  vamos.... chancho.... loco....  flaco.... hombre.... pechuga.... gracias.... gustas... carne.... malo.... tengo..... mucha.... y.... fresca.... gringo.... perdon.... sol.... pollo... grande.... amigo.... te vas.....casa  are all words that only come into fragments of conversations if at all.

I would like to understand more deeply what my newly extended family have to say  in the vague hope that it might lead to a better connection. When we have the family over for events like Thanksgiving or whatever I follow their gestures and their shouts and look into their eyes in the hope that finally by some miracle of the universe that something will just click and I will be able to pick up the conversation. Yet, though I think I have caught glimpses of their joy, despair or disadain, it seems in the end they must dance to a tune for themselves. I can never enter deeply enough into their experiences, can never penetrate behind the private mysteries of their eyes.

Sometimes I think I am expecting too much. I always sucked at learning languages, its a leftover curse from my dyslexia.

So why then did I find myself agreeing to be the photographer for my father in law's wedding at the turn of the year?  Anyone with any sense would realise I was setting myself up for a fall. Not only can I cannot keep up with conversations in Spanish which this wedding was obviously going to be recited in but I'm really not that familiar with how Mormon weddings go. As a result I was left wondering if the the couple were sitting down for their vows...and then when the realisation struck that they were my panic as I found myself in the wrong place.

Probably just as well I didn't know I few more Spanish swear words.

 

Being left with the responisibility for this might have been fun  but it was a relief when it was all over and I could go home to mi casa.

Sighs

Wanting a lot less of this

 And this

 Isn't it about time for walks on the beach and stuff

Like watching dragonflies taking a rest

Watching the sunflowers grow

 Sniffing the flowers?

Oh wait that's right, its only February!

6 Things In The USA That Confuse Me

I'm a foreigner in these parts, and as a result I was brought up with a different mentality and way of looking at the world therefore I have a few things I am still trying to understand. This is a my list in no particular order:

• I don't quite get how some of the followers of the same political party that is most against the destruction of a life before it is born can also be the same people that are most enthusastic for the death penalty and the right to have a gun.
• Health Insurance. My brain struggles with what mobile phone and cell contract would be good for me but trying to work out what sort of coverage my wife should have left me with a headache. The US will never have a health system that is completely covered by the tax dollar, far too many profits and jobs in the health insurance industry for that, but that's a shame the average American would be financially better off. I would also have one less thing on my list.
• What's so good about Scotland anyway? I love Scotland as much as the next Scot, but I was born there and have that connection. Why do so many Americans claim to be Scottish? If I believed every American who claimed to have ancestors from 'Scatland' I'd have to believe that a tiny little country with a population of 5 million exported close to 15 million to the States. Or we had a Genghis Khan like character who was very, very busy. Its not that I don't believe some of the claims but then there are others who seem so distant thats its been long diluted with other nationalities that might have a better claim. If I went back far enough I could claim to be African but looking at me I don't think you'd believe me. Its not like we are that special anyway, generally we are not that good looking, we are short (my wife might say short tempered) and personally I have a flat ass and so I don't even look good in a kilt.
• I don't understand why the fear of some its citizens can lead a country which has made such an undoubted success from immigration lead the USA to having such a negative reaction to immigration. Unfortunately the USA's success will for a long time make it an attractive place to emigrate to for the world's poor but emigration itself itsn't a bad thing people have been moving since man first crawled out of the forests of Africa. It certainly hasn't been bad for the economy of the USA. I'm no immigration expert therefore I don't know whats a good and bad number of immigrants but I do know that making it hard for immigrants to become citizens isn't stopping people from coming here. It's an expensive and long drawn out business if you want to become a resident here but people are still coming here, maybe they want a piece of the American dream or maybe its better to be an illegal here than it is citizen of their own country. Whatever the reason the restrictions aren't working. Surely then it would be better to make citizens and not criminals from them. If it was easier once they got here to become an active participating citizen or resident, instead of being a criminal as soon as they put a foot on American soil, they could contribute to the prosperity of the country that they want to call home instead of a being a drain on its resources. If the 20 million or so illegals in the country could legally start a job or a business and pay taxes they could better help put the American economy right and make it grow, just like those who came before them. 
• Finally I am confused about how some Americans define their rights. I think one of the best things about the USA is its constitution. The freedoms and protection represented by the Bill of Rights is a fundamental part of being an American and I wish every person in the world had something similar. Sometimes though I will look over at my wife's facebook page and see people arguing against some federal lawsuit on the news and its like some of those people who have those rights as an American citizen do not understand what it means. A lot of the time the argument seems to be that if 'these people get the same rights as me I will be surrendering some of my rights.' I don't understand the logic. You can not lose any rights as a citizen in this country if someone else is fighting in the courts to have the same rights, you still retain all the rights you had previously all you can surrender is the right to say I'm better than you, which I thought in this country was unconstitutional.
• Oh one more thing I forgot, the World Series? Why not invite the world to play? Say what you like about FIFA awarding the World Cup to Qatar but at least the world gets an invitation to participate.

Best Laid Schemes

She was tossing. She was turning. She had read. She had put up with me finishing watching the basketball in bed. The noisy distraction had done nothing for her piece of mind. She was too hot to sleep. She was worried about the day to come. Stressing about the patients. Stressing about how much work she might have to do alone due to the snow. Then one of the kids had a nightmare. So much on her mind, so much to worry about, she would never get any sleep on this night if things progressed like this.

I had the answer. I knew that on such nights as these only one thing would set her at ease. I jokingly said I had her pacifier. She laughed dismissively. I warmed her up to the notion with my roaming hand. I could feel her relaxing. Sometimes I know her better than she knows herself. She was forgetting those earlier worries. I got on top. The only way to end the tossing and turning tonight was for her to orgasm. And she was getting close. And then, I did. First! Not a complete disaster, we could wait  a few minutes and try again. But then I felt my nose, it was wet, I was having a nose bleed.

I think we can call that one a big fat FAIL!!!

What Are You Looking At!?!

I love her face 
Everything about her seems so worthwhile
I love her hair
I love her nose
I love the cute little dot on the end of that nose
In a State where women are getting themselves fake noses and fake tits I'm surprised that no one is getting themselves one of those
I love her full lips
I love her smile
I love the way she can be so shy and aware of my stare