Saturday, 5 April 2014

Well That Sucked!

Its a funny thing - life! For years you can go on blissfully ignorant of the need for love. You are seemingly happy alone, being an independent person - then BAM! Love happens, and life is never the same again. Where once you were happy to go through life alone, now that is no longer enough. Now you have a higher purpose, desires more pure. You are less selfish, its no longer about you and you alone, two becomes one, now you have another half, a better half, someone who makes your dream and hope and love not just for yourself, someone who makes you better just by them being part of your soul. Its embedded in you deep. You take pleasure in the simple things, moments you may have missed when you were more selfish, lost in your own wandering path through life. That person gives you peace, a new bliss that takes away the need to blindly aimlessly travel through life. Of course we are all human, life isn't always easy, human frailities being as they are love can be lost by human failings.

Unfortunately when that happens you cannot return to a state of blissful ignorance - the goodness of love has been awakened in the soul, and is a painful loss you awaken the heart and have to leave it behind.

I thought I was coping well with the loss of my soulmate. I wasn't exactly happy starting over again 4000+ miles away. I wasn't axactly happy with making less than a quarter of my previous income. Both were difficult to deal with. But I was determined to use time to grow as a person. Understand myself. Rebuild. Refocus my energies. Use life's lesson to become better. I was struggling to overcome, but seemingly gathering strength to move forward.

Five months on I thought I was mentally in a better place. But this week has been hard. First real time I have been sick on my own since. Stupid little cold, flu, whatever, that normally I would shake off as nothing but a nuisance. Instead it just made me feel alone. Today, with no work I decided I just needed to get out of the house, do something normal. Go have a cup of coffee, watch a movie.

Only - movies are one of the things we did as a couple. Doing so alone, just brought back all the memories, feelings, emotions of previous date nights that I had done well to suppress. Being ALONE after LOVE has opened the heart - sucks! Maybe I'm still sick. Maybe I'm still weak. Maybe I'm still heartbroken. I don't know, I do know this was one hard day.

The movie?



Russell Crowe did a decent job acting the part, but there is nothing about Noah the character that has a redeeming quality. So the movie itself left me disappointed.

The act of going to the cinema, alone, sucked worse.

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