Thursday, 16 January 2014

For a time I thought I was one of the lucky ones, and for a while I was, I thought I had come across by chance the one that was going to provide all the love I needed. Not because she was perfect, nor was I perfect, but because our imperfections and our little flaws were arranged in such a way that allowed two imperfect souls to hinge together as if they were nothing. Unfortunately for both of us we might have entered into such a relationship with rose tinted spectacles and rushed headlong into something that could maybe never have worked out.

I will always be thankful for the time I had the past five years. Previously I hadn't contemplated being with anyone, didn't think I needed to be, wasn't looking and was blissfully ignorantly happy. Then I learned what it was to love, and be loved. My life changed forever!

I don't know what gave me more joy and peace, to love, or to be loved, maybe both were equally great, but I will always be thankful fora new  the one that showed me the way.

Neither of us were perfect, no-one ever is. But for a time she was perfect for me. I didn't care about her issues. The lack of trust in men, I could overcome by being the one the to put faith in. Her insecurity about her body I could overcome by loving it for the both of us. I could nurture the self esteem that she didn't have. Jealousy? Isn't that just a back handed compliment that means they care? Over time she will see there is nothing to be jealous of if she is the only woman in any room that I pay attention to.

Five years ago I was so certain I knew it all, this wasn't the perfect woman, but she was the perfect woman for me. I had the rest of my life all figured out. Here was a woman that had insecurities that seemed tailor made for me to give peace to an overactive mind. Her insecurities somehow made her seem even more beautiful than I already thought she was. This was not just a woman who loved me and who I loved but one who needed me and that gave me a purpose in life. Everything else came second to the pursuit of her happiness and having her at a place in her life where she was at peace with herself.

The world saw a beautiful talented confident person who could light up any room, I saw that too, but I got to see the bravado of it all which hid the vulnerable, insecure, forever doubting side to that same woman. I knew it was related to her feeling abandoned and let down by her father when he had affairs and started a new family and leaving the old one behind. Her trust in men was shattered sometime in the past. Her need for perfection in herself so that no man would do such a thing again rose within her some time after that. I wasn't blind to those insecurities, but I was confident I had the tools within my armour to challenge her misconceptions of the world. I wasn't one to sow my wild oats when I was single I certainly didn't need to do so now that I had the one woman who could stroke the ego I didn't know I had until she started stroking it.

At home, where she could take off the public face that would hide behind there was a woman who had little encouragement or confidence in life. The trauma of rejection and fear of not measuring up was apparant to me, but hidden to others. The public bravado, though beautiful, was largely an act to hide the hurt little girl that she really was. I was certain I had the answers to the hurt and the pain. Here was a woman who I loved dearly not only for all the things that was so great about her but because of her flaws too.

When we first got together she had trouble dreaming of a better future. It was my business to dream for her, to show her the way, to take the steps necessary that allowed her to dream for herself. It was my job to encourage her to go forward confidently, to encourage her in pursuits that she had a talent in. If she was a bird with broken wings it was my job to mend those wings and support and nurture her until she was ready to fly. I couldn't be there to change her past, but I sure could be there to provide the love and tenderness she deserved now and into the future. I could empathise with the hurt child within and respect the woman that she was to become.

I've heard it said that until you love yourself you can't love anyone else, well I thought that was a big pile of BS. Here was a woman that clearly struggled to love herself entirely, at the very least struggled to be at peace with herself but managed to love me in such a way that broke down all my walls that I had previously built up, and god I loved her for it. I was suddenly free to love in a way that I had never given myself a chance to, and it was life changing. Sadly though I'm not sure I ever did managed to break down the similar walls that she had placed to protect herself.

Was that my fault? I don't know.

Could have I done more?

Or was it more because her struggle to accept her frailties and imperfections made the world a challenging frightening place. Her inability to treat herself fairly and with respect was always hard for me to watch from the sidelines, at times I couldn't bare to see her tear apart the one person I loved so much more than anything else in the world. It was hard not breaking through that protective barrier that she surrounded herself with most days, but it was harder watching her tear apart everything that meant so much to me.

In my own journey in learning to love myself I learned you have to let go of past mistakes. There is nothing wrong with aiming to be the best you can be, but if you fall short at some point forgiveness is key to taking that next step forward. At times we have to dust ourselves off, acknowledge our weaknesses but keep moving forward. In the long run being unkind to ourselves can only cause resentment, an attitude of defeat and emotional scarring that can manifest itself in a way that says I don't deserve better. I hoped I could have showed her a way to be at peace with herself, and show her a path to happiness that I so wanted to provide for her. I fell short, way short, maybe I was never the man for the job that I thought I was.

1 comment:

Someone Said said...

Oh this hurts to read. Good luck.