Just A Few Of The Things I have Learned About Utah

There is a reason the car number plates boast 'the greatest snow on earth', winters here are long.

When the snow does finally end, the sun is hot and not Scotsman friendly.

Likewise the grass is not soft and baby friendly

Some words are easier to say than others. Others nots so much. Like the word - sorry - even when you know it makes you a complete arsehole for not being able to say sometimes its remains difficult to spit it out. Granted if you had to spit it out, that would probably make it worse than not saying it at all. Not to mention it would be a tad bit messy.

Some words you know are going to be difficult in advance. For me repeating just about anything in Spanish fits that bill. But on occasions English words do it too. I felt for sure that I could predict an upcoming headache 2 years ago.

As I was approaching the big day I thought I was going to struggle with making the word 'wife' part of vocabulary afterwards. Up until then I had been pretty much single all my life. I was married to my job for much of my adult years and never really found the time for relationships or ever gave it any consideration that there was any chance that I would get married and then I met the woman and I was a goner.

I thought it might take me a few months of getting used to the concept of being married before I could say 'my wife' without it sounding like a foreign language I wasn't used to.

But I needn't have worried from day one 'my wife' this and 'wife' that slipped into my conversations as smoothly as Scotland slips out of competitive football competitions. I refused though to believe that I am a whooped man and preferred to think that I was just proud, or something like that. But then last night happened and I am forced to reassess.

Picture the scene. It's early morning. We're sleeping. I'm spooning her, as I often do. She farts, like couples are apt to do in the comfort of their own bed especially so when they are asleep and are not in control of their own bodies. I wake with a startle, as I feel the gust of air on my leg. I quickly assess the situation and decide its time to turn away to the other side of the bed. Only I find myself waking later in exactly the same position as before, due to the same reason. Apparently I can't help myself even when I know its in my best interests.

Ooh! Drip Of Nutella!

Regular viewers of Family Guy will be familiar with the sketch where the James Woods character is distracted from the idea of getting revenge on Peter Griffen by a piece of candy, but surely no one would be stupid enough to fall into such an obvious trap thats only going to lead to harm to self?

That's where I can step up to the plate. (hmmm baseball term, I'm becoming more American all the time)

I was feeling a little peckish just a short time ago, so I decided that maybe it was time to make myself a piece of bread and nutella.

As I was spreading the nutella on the bread I spotted a dribble of nutella on my thumb. Well I couldn't let some nutella go to waste - this is after all the same person who would stick is finger in the jar to scrape every last bit hazlenutty goodness before throwing a jar in the bin.

It was only as my finger was approaching my tongue that I realised something wasn't quite right - by which time momentum could not be reversed.

Finger makes contact with a wet tongue and pain oozes out. Sonofabitch!

Somehow as I glanced at my finger and thought I saw nutella I had somehow managed in the same instant to forget I had cut my finger yesterday making chips (fries), and that brown looking splodge was just old blood under the surface of an open wound.