I'm usually a glass half full kind of guy. I'm very much a realist with an optimistic viewpoint. I try not to look at the past too much other than to learn lessons and grow in life, we are after all not the same person at 17 as we are at 37, or at 57. However despite generally being a forward focused optimistic guy - at this time of year, around May 29th its just fucking hard for me.
You see this would be my anniversary. I loved being married. It was the first time I knew what it was to love someone that I wasn't related to. It was the first time I knew what it was to be loved. In that marriage I had two kids that may not have been flesh and blood but for all intensive purposes felt like my kids. I miss those kids every day. Quickly aprroaching 40, maybe having kids of my own isn't part of my future. I miss the sassy little dog that gave love unconditional and just wanted long walks or to sit on my lap.
Love isn't always easy. Love can be difficult. And sometimes you have to learn when is the right time to walk away. At certain times of the year though, as try as I might to look forward I do miss that feeling that comes when you are committed to someone. Don't ever believe that men are scared to committ. I have yet to discover something that provides a greater happiness than comes with committment to someone you love. The simplest things give a man pleasure. The first smile you see in the morning. Having the honour that comes with going to that same smile at night, it might be more tired but its every bit as beautiful feeling. The day to day of trying to nurture that love, can be tiring, can be an effort at times, but still its an honour every day as a man you receive that duty.
At this time of year I feel the sadness of something lost. I'm sure in future I will get it again with another, but for now.....this time of year....sucketh!!!