Saturday, 15 February 2014

Life is beautiful, sometimes everything just clicks into gear just nicely and we go on our way down what seems like a predetermined path where is everything is just going great. Sometimes it feels like the universe has a plan for us and we are on that path, partly by our own choosing partly by the choosing of the universe.

Part of living though is it doesn't always stay that way. Sometimes a car breaks down and needs an expensive repair just before when we are planning a short trip away that was very much needed. Sometimes despite our best efforts we are late for work through a delay that was not of our own making. Sometimes despite trying to do the right thing always we get drunk and do the wrong thing. Sometimes life has other ideas about something that matters to us, about a few things that matter to us, sometimes it has other ideas about everything that matters. Sometimes life sucks.

The more things that matter to us the more potential there is for life to shake things up for us.

Everything that matters has the potential to turn around and bite us when something goes wrong. A lot of things don't matter and it wouldn't affect us in any way, but the things that do tend to have a lot of meaning. Anything that has meaning we carry around with us like a box in a pocket, except the pocket is in our hearts. Meaning attached to our hearts run deep. Sometimes without wanting to the lid of the box comes flying off, causing chaos and pain. Anything that matters, that has meaning has that potential to hurt us. Sometimes when that happens the attachment associated with the pain is exaggerated because it has meaning that is so close to us.

I'm coming to realize that pain is all about perspective. Someone who suffers from cancer suddenly doesn't see the point in worrying over the small stuff.

Sometimes I look at my life, and how through the history of time my life will be so very insignificant and my perspective on my life changes, at that moment my life becomes more about me and less about what other think I should do in the small time frame I have left. I may as well just go for it and lead the life I want to lead and take with me the only people that matter.

Theres the rub, sometimes life crashes to a halt taking with it everything that matters. Sometimes life  can survive trials and tragedies, sometimes it doesn't. Life can crash when some of the things that people have placed a lot of meaning on go very wrong in an instant. If that crash happens it can take everything with it, you and everyone you that matters know it. Its not a lesson in perspective, you have no experiences to relate it with. Its just a deep dark pit of despair.

I went through such a moment myself a few months ago. Everything I thought I had was going great. I had a beautiful wife, beautiful step kids, beautiful home. Decent income. Plans for the future. Had just survived cancer. I had everything I wanted. Then without warning. I lost it.

Let me set the scene to the day of my crash. It was a good day, actually, until it wasn't. We had the day off work, took the kids for lunch and then a movie, between lunch and the movie my wife said something jealous which I didn't like and that kind of pissed me off. But then I forgot about it, I shrugged it off. My wife has jealous insecurities, I knew that when we first got together and I was fine with it. I knew it wasn't me that had done something wrong to her, but it was something that had occurred before I came into her life. I empathised with her insecurities because I had some of my own, I knew  early on enough about her background to suggest that it might be related to her dad. For weeks at a time my wife would be happy, no jealousy, no insecurity, other times weeks and months could go past where I was getting the brunt of all her fears, and anxiety. And I was happy to do so, because above everything else I, above being wealthy and everything else we are supposed to want in life as husbands I wanted to be the source of my wife's happiness, peace and safety. I wanted to be the man that for her gave her faith and hope when she had so little hope and faith in men. I wanted to be the man she could trust.

But for some reason that day, i'd had enough, i'd lost my perspective, maybe it was because comments were said in my safe zone, dates with my wife, dates with my step kids were my safe zone where life intangibles couldn't touch me. Maybe it was because later that day, after coming home from the movie where we all had a good time, and after walking the dogs another comment was said when I was taking a moment to relax in my other safe zone our bedroom. Maybe it was the weeks of stress, wondering when the comments would stop. I wanted it not for me, I wanted the peace for her but for some reason I lost it because at that moment I needed to be trusted. I came out like a raging bull in a china shop. 5 beautiful years were lost in 5 horrible minutes. Minutes where I wanted to say it all, minutes where I wanted to run away, minutes where I wanted to curl up and crawl into a ball, I lost it. And when I lose it such a way, none of it makes sense. I like to think i'm a smart guy, but sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I am very dyslexic, I can read a book, enjoy a book, but ask me about and I struggle. When my feelings and thoughts are in chaos I'm worse. When I have time to plan and work things out I can control life just fine, mostly. Add a touch of chaos though and i'm not handling life very well.

For some reason, when life was actually going bloody great, I needed something so badly that I lost everything that ever mattered.

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